Like this:

A friend of mine was amazed at the amount of romantic disaster in my life and thought it would be amusing for me to jot a few things down. So I have relented and am writing this with the same sense of mischievous intent behind The Anarchist’s Cookbook. It is some of the worst of relationships and the tactics and attitudes that accompany such hellish trips. Try not to get too worked up and fear this article’s corrosive power will damage your outlook and yea, your very souls. Hopefully you’ll finish amused rather than concerned.

But where has this knowledge come from? Well I shudder to type it actually. I’ve suffered the horrible fate of being known amongst women as a “Nice Guy”.

Oh yeah, the men know what I’m talking about. Nice Guys often fall into one of two definitions, but it isn’t unusual for them to alternate over time.

Nice Guy Definitions:

1. He that attracts a continuous stream of those suffering from emotional damage, chronic unhappiness or drama addiction. See also Freak Beacon/Bunny Magnet.
2. He that is clearly defined by every woman on the planet as perfect boyfriend material for somebody else. See also Non-Sexual Guy/Free Therapist.

 

The title stuck and I have had many female friends over the years, hearing and seeing much.

Women talk a lot, don’t deny it.

As such I’ve obviously seen things from the male side and been the listening post for countless women in trouble. However besides listening, I’ve always done something else that has consistently shocked and horrified the women who’ve confided in me:

I remembered what they and their partners did and said.

This never fails to surprise people that repeat bad behaviour. Think back to your own actions during a bad relationship and tell me that doesn’t send a shiver down your spine.

I’ve observed all the following from various angles and distances and thought, what they hey. Let’s forget all those feel-good and what-are-they-thinking self help guides to relationships. That’s appeasement talk, no good will come of it. Instead feel free to use the following tactics and warnings to further wage the war of modern relationships. Even if you’re forcibly routed from long held territory, I can assure you that scattered emotional munitions will continue to cause casualties for a long time to come.

Some of the following are interchangeable between genders, some counteract each other (get in first!), and all are based on the heterosexual model but may translate. I’ve only included four for each gender so if in doubt just remember that men are impossible and women are crazy.

Men

Use Compliments

Compliments are a useful substitute for respect, reason and fidelity. Never underestimate their power. Women need compliments on par with oxygen and will often go through hell if you tell them they look good doing so. See also “Telling Women You Love Them.” This is important as women don’t actually need to feel loved to stay in a relationship, but they certainly need to hear it.

Be Callous

I consider the old adage; “treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen” a form of science. It has been proved through endless repetition in different conditions, and can be duplicated at a moments notice. With the exception of occasional compliments (see above), ensure that you have the minimal required interest in her world. This is accompanied by a general attitude that while “bad”, can be excused as “bad boy” which is much sexier. Remember, if you start off kind then it will be constantly expected of you and who has that sort of patience? Whereas if you’re a grumpy bastard to begin with you don’t have to worry about it ever again. Plus should you be vaguely civilised at any point or make a halfway decent gesture, you will be hailed as a saint and rewarded as a conquering hero. Be sure to stay strong in the face of tears (the emotional claymore attack). Men tell each other they ignore this but in truth, they take the fatal path of least resistance far more often than they’ll admit to.

It is also important to remember that attitudes and approaches are so easily reinterpreted as time goes on. At the start of a relationship arrogance is considered confidence, rudeness is exuberance and an over-active libido is harmless flirting (as long as you aren’t caught).

Abuse Your Title

Titles like Pontiff, Prime Minister and President carry a lot more power beyond the standard qualities of the individual wearing them. The word boyfriend also has a lot more power than guys actually realise. I’ve had numerous female friends who have stuck it out for months, even years with some self-obsessed dope because he was Her Boyfriend. It’s considered vital to have one, even if he does spend all her money and try to sleep with her friends. She doesn’t mind as boyfriend expense should be budgeted for, and her friends must be a bunch of whores.

Conversation Case Study (this actually happened):

Me: Name one thing you’ve got in common.

Seemingly Rational Woman: Well I know we’re different but you can’t date someone exactly like you.

Me: You’ve personally confessed to me that you don’t actually like him.

SRW: Well, you know…

Me: Not really. All you do is spend your time talking about how badly he treats you.

SRW: That’s unfair, he was actually quite nice last week.

Me: I’m being unfair because he was actually nice last week? Why don’t you just dump him already?

This immediately earned me a look like I’ve completely lost my mind and the standard response:

SRW: He’s my boyfriend!

Such a statement is considered an irrefutable argument for keeping said dipstick.

There you have it m’lud. You’re not just a butt scratching time waster with nachos stuck to your shirt, you’re an institution. One with all the diplomatic immunity that implies, so be sure to use it.

Beware Of Her Male Friends

As Tyler Durden in Fight Club said; “You are not special. You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake.”

Heed these words.

She constantly coos that you’re her man, the one, her darling boyfriend – but reality is different and you know it. You are but one basic example of production line manhood and your enemies are constantly massing on the edge of your vision. Like in chess even the most innocent looking move is a step towards your ultimate downfall. Driving away all her male friends is a good start but keep an eye on your own guys as well. For the feeblest excuse most men would stick one in your back and one in your girlfriend without hesitation. Women also know this and generally won’t ditch even the worst guy until they have a suitable replacement ready – someone who “understands.” Whether she trades up or down she will trade. Any talk of wanting to stay single is code for “I need a lift to the next guy’s house.”

So be sure to avoid this unhappiness by banning physical contact with any other males. Hugging, arm touching, head to shoulder resting – all out. Turn into a real ogre whenever she spends time with her old friends and rather than confront you, she will ditch them instead.

Now everyone’s happy (at least anyone who matters). Just be careful whilst riding this bad boy ego-trip to keep the pressure up. One day you may wake up to the tables turned against you. You thought you were hot stuff, the king! You were master of all you surveyed but not all is as it appears – welcome to the revolution that happened without you even noticing. Now you’re constantly broke and wearing clothes you hate. Having unintentionally swapped sex for a hopeful absence of tantrums, and without a single male friend that wasn’t lit up by your beloved as she pin-balled across your social circle the last time you two “had a small break”.

Huh. Women.

Women

Changing Your Man: A Quick And Easy Process

There will inevitably be things that require adjustment in your new man. Things like his manners, hobbies, clothes, friends, job, general lifestyle or raging drug problem. Interestingly the last item is the one most likely to be quietly tolerated or ignored. It’s far easier to witter about how proud you are he’s trying when you’re borrowing money off girlfriends after the stereo vanishes for a third time.

Make sure he learns how desperately important all these things are and how they affect your temperament and libido. Tears (a girl’s shock troops in the battle of the sexes), should come thick and fast when he errs by wearing the wrong shirt or plans to go alone to a poker night at a mate’s house. Doesn’t he understand you don’t like poker? How can he go and play poker when he knows you’re at home and you don’t like playing poker!? You don’t like poker! Especially in that shirt!

Your likes/dislikes are now his and he better get with the program.

Once he succumbs to all your demands (and he quickly will), you have two equally valid options.

1.  Cocoon him in a world of your creation he can’t detract from. Oh he’s much happier this way!
2. Dump him because he’s not the man you fell in love with and no longer challenges you.

The Blame Switcheroo

Say you have damaged his car, dirty danced with his best friend, called him at 3am two nights in a row, drunk, emotional and screaming – there is a chance he will be angry with you. Remember that simply acknowledging that something unfortunate may have happened is penance enough. His anger at your so-called “actions” is a crime that far outweighs anything you might be responsible for, and he must apologise! Again tears can be used freely until he does so but keep going until he realises how risky it is for him to step out of line like this. Sex can be denied because you feel so awful and you will need him to control his temper and “be there for you.” (See lifts to parties he’s not invited to, shopping duties, perhaps a few nice dinners and gods help him if he doesn’t answer the phone at 3am next time you’re feeling vulnerable).

Sweet Sweet Lies

It’s a known and widely publicised fact that men lie to women to get sex. What is not so well known is that women may lie to themselves for the same reason.

Let’s face it, men are stupid and emotionally repressed. This leads to the confusing situation where they say one thing that sounds bad, but clearly means something else much more palatable.

Some examples include:

•  This is just a one night thing
•  I’m not leaving my wife
•  This isn’t going to work

In the above cases (especially the first and last), this is clearly a cry for help. This man is desperately in love with you and signaling a long term intention. Of course you’re not the kind of girl that just leaps into bed with a guy, but this is special and could work out. When he reneges on his unspoken oath of love, unleash the awesome power of girl-crazy vengeance. He has it coming and no matter what he claims to have said, you knew what he meant.

The bastard.

He may be too scared to leave again, in which case keep him forever or ditch him later on your terms.

Remember To Keep Backups

Male friends are very important, including the friends of your boyfriend. It’s important that you approve of them because you will probably wind up sleeping with them. Be it as an act of vengeance, or through the simple passage of time, if they’re part of a group you see a lot then eventually it’ll be on for full contact yoga.

These guys are your backups for when you dump the guy you have and need a quick replacement. In a good situation they can serve the twin purpose of hurting your ex (men stupidly betray each other all the time), and simultaneously putting that bitch friend of yours in her place. She’s been giving you dark looks lately and you just know she really wants this one anyway – hopefully she likes him as well.

Timing is important and to ease any transition you should spend increasing amounts of time with them as your other relationship crashes to earth. Tell them how you feel they understand you, can connect and am being just a huge help just by being with you during this difficult time. Thus you’re helping them overcome any moral difficulty with what you both know is inevitable, and all this “help” fosters a servile attitude to your teensy requests. Both now and in the future.

Keep him on the edge of his seat but no further in case your boyfriend starts being attentive again, just keep thanking him for being “such a great friend” but don’t stop sleeping at his house occasionally and wandering around in revealing clothes being affectionate because you’re so “comfortable” with him. If possible now begin to gently groom a further replacement in the background but be slow and cautious with this one.

Congrats girlfriend! Now you have a boyfriend, a spare, a girlfriend who lost 3kgs for nothing, and further male attention in the background. This should keep your boyfriend on his toes, ensure your dating future even if it does end and show everyone how desired you are. Just ensure the spare doesn’t get distracted by a girl he’ll actually get something from.

Remember to maintain unyielding vigilance to these principles. Without constant analysis, reevaluation, drama and control, it can all end or turn against you. Despite those daily two-hour conversations with your boyfriend on what can go wrong in a relationship, strangely it can still go wrong (just as you always knew it would). There’s nothing worse than being queen every day, then having all this attention dry up after putting your very heart and soul into it. Failing to seize the advantage means constant lockdown prison style. Your friends are a distant memory, a classy night is when he wears one of the clean t-shirts you left out and meeting new people means the next pizza night when one of his friends brings a new girlfriend. Your mouth says “how did you two meet?” but your eyes say “so what are you in for?”

Men!

The Battle Must Go On!

There you have it, but a few tactics in the average relationship that thinks nothing of bombing civilian populations and poisoning wells to get ahead.

I know there are people who can maintain relationships by less conventional means like talking rationally and making a few leaps of faith, but they’re unlikely to take hold in the mainstream.

In the meantime I hope this arms you in the upcoming struggle. Just remember the golden rule for all people regardless of persuasion or gender; No matter how nasty a relationship gets, no matter how debased, abused, angry or miserable you and everyone around you becomes…

It’s still considered better than being single.

Go figure.

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