I’ve been thinking about something.
In the last few years I’ve been hearing a lot about weddings. As a guy who is no longer worthy of the title ‘young adult’, I’ve been attending quite a few as they are the traditional stomping ground of people my age. Yup, it starts with not understanding what’s happening at Triple J anymore and finishes with friends getting hitched left, right and centre.
Consequently it’s something I’ve gotten to observe and really reflect on how bride focussed it is. This is no secret I realise. But how would things go if it was a ceremony was organised and done with purely men in mind it would be a different affair. What would happen in this scenario? I’ve broken it down into the most likely concerns.
The Go Ahead
Ok the first concern is whether the actual event would happen. It would have to be elevated to the status of the bucks party, 21st or post-girlfriend piss up that are the hallowed holidays of menfolk. Left purely to men, the institution of marriage and traditional family faces a greater threat than from any right wing fear of homosexual unions. But no, gay weddings are not included in this scenario. This stream of consciousness is aimed at your bog standard straight bloke. The sort that can be relied upon to forget birthdays, preferred flowers and how he met his first lust. Gay weddings I suspect would often be fortresses of good taste and manners, they can’t be trusted to ruin a good wedding beyond presenting the incorrect chromosome combination at the altar. Humans being what they are, I’m sure there are thousands of homosexuals who refuse to throw out that chili stained t-shirt with the rest of us, but their highly visible representatives ruin my wedding vibe. The devious swine would most likely respect things like beauty, tradition and love and so must go.
But once the wedding for your straight guy becomes something he willingly misses the footy or that doco on snipers, it’s all on.
The Venue
The choice of venue is tricky as it’s already a broad church (pardon the pun). Thanks to the declining influence of religion (and the alleged collapse of western society), people now get married in all sorts of weird places. But now under The Rule of Man? Well, footy grounds, backyards, anywhere you could reliably fill an esky with ice and have the wafting scent of burning snags breeze by during the ceremony. An worthy mention is a widescreen TV somewhere within view for the groom during boring bits of the ceremony. Such as waiting for the bride to walk up the aisle (seriously, that’s a long wait for a guy).
The Groomsmen
Would be armed.
The Bridesmaids
Would still be dressed/organised by the bride. There are some lines we dare not cross. Not just before out wedding anyway. Not in public.
The Dress
Would be just as beautiful, graceful and stunning as they always are now. Just held together by velcro…
Any Objections?
Ooh, this’d be good. A guy acting on the whole “anyone who knows of any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony” bit will hold his piece or rest in peace. Objections can be made but a circle will be cleared and it’s Thunderdome time! This is a fight to the death, possibly with the skull of the loser used in a toast at the reception. Groomsmen are not allowed to interfere unless it looks like it’s going really badly. A notable exception to this rule is if the groom is overruled by a majority of his mates “Who Know She’s A Shocker”.
The Vows
The bride can make whatever oaths of love she likes. So can the groom, but all that is actually required would be a sheepish grin and “aww yeah, she’s alright I s’pose…”
The First Dance
Would be an event for the bride and bridesmaids only. Preferably to whichever popular clubbing song makes all the girls in the place dirty dance. (Seriously ladies, deny it all you like but there’s always one that makes it happen).
The Speeches
Would be moved waaaay back in the evening until a lot more has been drunk. Not only would they be a lot more interesting, but you’d be forgiven to utterly ignoring them or walking out to the bathroom halfway through.
So there you have it. Many of the main points as seen through a lens of total, stereotyped male control – as if the Taliban were allowed to get pissed. A joyous event focussed on love and beauty now given healthy and comforting doses of violence and emotional constipation.
But speaking of the Taliban, I recently read of Osama Bin Laden and one of the marriages to his wives. It is alleged they held the ceremony separately, men in one area, women in the other. They didn’t even meet at their wedding ceremony! Now that’s simplifying things. In a ludicrously complicated way.
Finally before I go, a bit of advice for the women folk re: last names. Plan on not taking the last name of Your Bloke? This is a hotly contested issues these days – lots of wailing and gnashing of teeth. But there’s one thing I’m really sick of hearing when this is brought up: Women who claim they don’t want to take the guy’s last name because they don’t like tradition. Cop out!
There are a host of legitimate arguments to be put forth for not taking his last name. You can argue this issue on so many fronts! By stating it’s just that you don’t like tradition, all you’re doing is giving the guy an iron clad excuse not to fork out for a dress, cake, limo, rings or a wedding venue that isn’t an R.S.L. Oh you like those traditions? Too late! Eloping!
